Watching Arsenal-Newcastle vs A Colonoscopy

It's a tougher call than you might think.

Historically this is an awful match up for the Magpies and Saturday's 4-1 thumping was no different.  At least during a colonoscopy you're anesthetized for the most painful part and you wake up feeling pretty good, ready to eat a big meal.  Plus, for most of us it happens once every ten years, unlike this fixture, which we must endure twice a year.

Like a colonoscopy, nobody really wants to hear the details.  I will say that you can't put too much blame on replacement keeper Jak Alnwick; maybe with better positioning he could have stopped Cazorla on the second goal but otherwise you'll have to look elsewhere for the breakdowns.  And for how bad the result was it could have been worse; Lee Mason's charitable foul call on Welbeck negated one goal and Tiote might have been in red card territory with a boot in the chest against Sanchez early in the first half.

Move along people, nothing to see here.  Let's move on to the Midlands derby and see how Aston Villa made out.

You should probably just keep moving along....


Fine, if you insist.  Never having experienced a colonoscopy (and I might be the only person who reads this blog that hasn't...), I don't quite know how this Villa match compares.  It was boring, with one moment of anguish and then an hour of slow suffering.  I sure hope that isn't what a colonoscopy is like anyway. [Sounds a bit like the night before the procedure actually.] Richardson picked up a straight red card in the 21st minute on a very borderline tackle - he went in hard, but all I saw was a poor decision after an even worse dribble, not malicious intent [more on this below].  West Brom used their man advantage fairly poorly, but managed an ugly, double-rebound goal in the 72nd minute.  The Villans had two or three moves that almost turned into decent chances, but they were never really in the match.  Hopefully this won't be the start of another 6 match losing streak, though with Manchester United this weekend, the losing streak will likely grow to at least 2.


Lovely Weather

And in a surprising turn of events, it was raining throughout much of Great Britain on Sunday but especially in Wales.  What wasn't to like about the Swansea City - Tottenham match on Sunday?  Ideal conditions - teeming, wind-driven rain.  Two sides that play a fairly wide open, attractive brand of football - I enjoyed watching the Sigurdsson-Bony passing combinations.  A close match.  As a Newcastle fan, I might have preferred a draw but Eriksen's strike in the 89th minute to give Spurs a 2-1 win was high quality.  I include this particular footage as the YouTubeableMoment as much for the reaction of the traveling Spurs fans as the goal itself.

Chelsea looked to have their hands full with Hull City even after an early goal by Eden Hazard.  Their task was made much easier when Dawson went down with an injury and Huddlestone picked up a red at 60 minutes.  Diego Costa sealed the deal with a goal in the 68th minute, giving Chelsea a 2-0 win (that also included 2 bookings for simulation!).  Didn't see the match but Man City kept pace with what must have been a less than stellar 1-0 win over relegation candidate Leicester.  Did see Man United also keep pace in what was a weird 3-0 win over Liverpool; all three goals felt like they were against the run of play and David De Gea's goalkeeping may have had something to do with that.  Not that the Man United goals weren't quality, they just seemed unexpected.  Balotelli's drought continues despite some good chances on his part.  We note that Southampton lost again, but this time to Burnley.  Ouch.


Arlo White and that Golden, Velvety, Yummy Voice of His

When I began watching the EPL, the commentators voices had some sort of magic power over me.  Maybe it was the accents.  Maybe it was the unusual honesty.  Whatever it was, I thought they were the best thing since not having to get a colonoscopy for 25 more years sliced bread.  But their powers are waning.  After the Richardson tackle, the commentators for the Villa match kept saying he had "studs showing", which is ridiculous to me.  I realize that you don't send your "A" crew to a Midlands derby these days, but please, show me a single slide tackle, legal or otherwise, in which studs are not showing.  Slide tackling with your studs facing the turf is not actually slide tackling - it is more like having your foot plant in the turf and then tearing every ligament in your knee as you somersault over yourself.  [Point taken and I think the phrase is "raised studs" which means you're either not sliding or you've lifted your leg(s) while sliding.  I saw a quick replay and at first thought the call was harsh.  However I found replay (you have to scroll down a bit to get to the video- check around 30 seconds) and see three things that justify the red - the speed with which he entered the tackle, the launch into the tackle and the fact that he made contact with the player, with his cleat, before ever having hit the ground, i.e. it was not a slide tackle, at least at the point of contact.  There's also some guidance about a straight leg/ locked knee being a tell - wait, the Loch Kneed Monster! Oh crap it must be late and I'm getting silly.]  In a separate incident, while extolling the virtues of Carlos Sanchez (a player that I like quite a bit) they said "he always passes to a man in Claret."  [Should have said he passes like a man who's had too much Claret.] Anyone who watches him play can see that easy passes are, in fact, his biggest weakness.  He often sends short passes right to the opponents and within maybe 15 seconds of the comment, Sanchez obliged and fluffed an easy pass.  These guys need to step their commentating game back up and regain their mysticism- this world doesn't need any more Joe Bucks or Tim McCarvers. [I'll second that.]


Football Manager Dilemma

A 3-1 win over Stoke City moved the Chester Blues into 3rd in the Premier League table.  Then things got a little crazy.  First, Arsenal fired their manager Hugo Sanchez.  There was rampant speculation that I was in  line to get the job but I denied any interest, which made me a hero with the Chester board and fans.  But then David Moyes, the Everton manager took the Arsenal job and before I knew it, I had an offer to be Moyes' replacement.

In real life, this would be a no-brainer.  My annual salary at Chester is about $125,000; at Everton it would be about $2.9 million.  Since it's play money, that aspect of the offer doesn't have much appeal.  What is intriguing in the payroll and transfer budget I would have at my disposal.  Currently the Chester board allows for about a $12 million annual payroll; Everton's is north of $60 million.  At Chester, I have nothing left of a $16 million transfer budget; Everton still have $20 million to spend.  Everton sits in 10th, six points back of Chester but we have a game in hand.  Some of the recognizable names on the roster include Tim Howard, Fellaini, Heitinga and Tim Cahill.

There is some thought to trying to leverage the offer into a larger payroll or transfer budget but the current limits may reflect the realities of a smaller club.  If it was the end of the year, it might be an easier decision.  Anyway, need to think on this a bit.

Moyes to Arsenal?  Can't see that one in real life.


League Cup Semi-finalists

Not Newcastle.  That is all you need to know. 

Okay, it's Chelsea, Liverpool, Tottenham and Sheffield United.  One of these is not like the others.  Only saw the first half of the Tottenham 4-0 drubbing of the Magpies; they were down 0-1 on a glaring mistake by Alnwick.  Followed the second half on Gamecast as the rout ensued.  Another possible cup crossed off the list.



Derby Derby Derby

Sunday morning (8:30 on NBCSN) sees Newcastle-Sunderland in the first Tyne-Wear derby of the year.  I do not subscribe to the theory that you can have a lousy season but if you beat your fiercest rival, it's a good year.  My ranking of season goals is something like:
1) Not being relegated - yeah we crushed the Black Cats but we won't face them next year 'cos we're in the Championship division
2) Finishing ahead of Sunderland in the table
3) Finishing in the top ten
4) Making the Europa Cup
5) Making the Champions League
6) Winning the Premier League title
7) Winning the FA Cup
8) Winning the League Cup
9) Winning the matches vs Sunderland

Now obviously beating Sunderland is a very useful step in achieving most or all of those goals  - especially 1) and 2) - so the match is quite important.  These are points that Newcastle cannot leave on the table. 

At the top of the table, Chelsea (away to Stoke on Monday) and Man City (hosting Crystal Palace early Saturday) look likely to match wins.  Third place Man United, with a recent history of winning (six in a row) despite often being "outplayed," travel to Aston Villa for the televised 10 am Saturday match.  Sunday has the aforementioned derby followed by Liverpool-Arsenal at Anfield.  Or should I say reeling Liverpool?  Tough match to get your act together.  And speaking of reeling, Southampton get to host inconsistent Everton.  Tottenham is home against Burnley and we would be remiss if we did not mention fourth place West Ham hosting Leicester.

 Ladies and gentlemen, don your scarfs...